My Confession : A Moment of Truth.. and laughter

"What if...."

Finally, the moment of truth arrived.. The beginning of this week, my intention to confess my unrequited 5-year-love has been done.

In that dull Sunday afternoon, I met him online on yahoo! messenger. A Sign from the bottom right of my desktop popped to say there's somebody just online with his name on it.
And then we chit and chat from a highly serious topic to the safest yet agreeable topic : the school years.

We talk about the times when we're together (I mean, when we're at school, or at bimbel, we never going out just the two of us). And then, we talked about his fans.

When I say "his fans" it's really on its literally meaning. He's such a middle weight school idol back then. With his cool style, standart looks, and his great talent in football, he's not the ordinary smarty-ass i used to fell in with. Moreover, he really got a dozen fans. From juniors to classmates (not only me).

So, it took approximately 34 minutes for us to talk about his enormous fans. Somehow, something struck me like lightning..

"Is this is the moment I'm waiting for...???"

Oh my.. I'm really nervous on my seat. I got up, triple jump, roll on the floor (FYI : I'm alone at home, so nobody noticed), before I call someone to lift my spirit.

Nancy Psy'03 is the victim (at 1st, i choose Fitri, but her phone is out of reach)

(why? 1. coz she know the story -from my point of view, of course
2. she have an Esia-economical reason, maybe the primary justification of my victim selection).

Nancy's surprised with my selection of time. I explain the "why now's" :
1. To mediate all of others' suggestion to me. Chatting is a straight conversation, so it's polite and won't rise any argument from Maya. In other hand, it's not a face-to-face conversation, so I won't be ashamed.
2. I have a strong will to do it right now. You may call me impulsive, but many things that will never gonna happen if we continually delay it.

So, the conversation continue,
Nancy : "if you wanna do it, do it."
I : " Neng... tell me : Fight!!" (Semangat!!)
Nancy : "Fight, fan!!"
I : "bubye.."
--end of phone conversation--

Then I'm back to my laptop, we're still discussing his fans
me : Hey X, i've got a secret from you
X : what's that?
me : just dont laugh, ok
(this is the moment when i catch my breathe)
me : actually, i liked you too back then. (past tense, coz, i don't really know how my feelings toward him right now)
me : huahahahhahaha
me : why i'm the one who's laughing (it's a tension laugh, but he'll never know)
(I'm waiting for his answer, but it didn't take a long time)
X : oh i see, i already knew it (in indonesian : Oh gitu, aku dah tau kok)

WHATTT???--- (this is the time when i rise from my seat, and do the triple jump again)

me : how did you know it?
X : I see it from your actions
me : did i look like a fan?
X : not really. but there's a repeating acts. So i conclude.
X : that's why i thought i can be a psychologist too.
(OMG.. why the hell in this moment, he's talking about his 'talent'??)

and the rest of the conversation, we're talking about he, his school experience and his fans (again)


That's the end of my 1st love, 5 years of hiding it (or so i think).


This 5 years, whenever i read or think about "the best of the world", my mind always point on him (sorry to my ex).
He's the kindest, the most decent, the most tolerant, the most appreciating... He's the man i can depend on emotionally, and he always say the right thing in the right time. He's the only man who understands my secret language with my girlfriends (he just knew it, so we can't have a girl talk in front of him).
He was the MR. PERFECT in my life!!

But that Sunday afternoon i realize...
He's not that kind, and still faraway from perfect.
If only he's that super decent and tolerant, he'll know that it'll hurt my feelings if the conversation directed again to the "fans" topic.
Or maybe he thought that I was kidding (coz i laugh in the end of my conversation).

If my life is a comic book, this is the scene where the heroine go to the beach by herself and shout to the sea :

"GIVE ME BACK MY 5 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

God, I've picked the wrong person to be my obsession..........

Now it's time to extract something good from bad things that happened :
Moral of the story is...

That maybe the most things we afraid of, is actually an illusion

Those days that i spent in concealing my feelings from him existed because I'm afraid I'll ruin my good relationship with him.
but when i really confess, i came to a fact that he already knew it!! (curse you, Eisy.. you tell me that he didn't know it!!)

So, this event told me that I must not afraid of things that's beyond factual things (such as my imaginary life episodes that I usually lean on).
And for you who read this...

Don't be afraid in living your life! Life's just too beautiful to be lived in fear. To be fear of what life will bring, is not living at all.

Just Go On! Just Do it!

Me,
Stephanie Elisabeth, who's learning to learn from her mistakes